This is hard. I've literally cried twice today about this situation.
Once when I was helping with a food event (remember I told you this is a large part of my job?) and we had catered in one of my favorite Bbq places - their macaroni and cheese is from heaven, the brisket is slow smoked for hours, the green beans just a perfect pig fat blend of seasoning heaven and a hawaiian roll and for dessert my absolute favorite I can maybe never have again - Nothing Bundt Cakes. A co-worker (who is vegetarian) kept asking why I couldn't eat a single thing they had there. She kept harping on the salad and I told her I can't have lettuce. She couldn't believe that I can't even have plain lettuce. Then her and another started laughing saying how ridiculous that all is. I couldn't agree more - it's ridiculous. Ridiculously hard but this has to be my life if I plan to be around for my husband and children. And today it was just more than I could bear. I was cleaning up and then ran out of the room, because the laughter at my situation they can't begin to fathom just cut deep like a knife.
I couldn't even eat after that and I went into the day already starving and feeling deprived. I was so upset that someone with their own dietary restrictions couldn't even be empathetic. I'm only sharing all this with you because I was not prepared emotionally for how hard this would be. And little things can trigger your emotions that can come from unexpected places. I'm trying to be real so that if you are reading this you too, won't feel alone or like a failure because you are upset about "food".
After all that I came home to prepare my nightly fish portion, and was actually excited because I knew coconut was one of my allowed additives and I had some coconut aminos at home. (Coconut aminos are a good replacement for soy sauce, and when I read I was allergic to soy, I ditched it for this organic replacement.) I was dreaming of tasting something yummy FINALLY tonight as I was going to make a version of teriyaki salmon with my coconut aminos. As soon as I got home, I double checked the label for any additives, and there it was. "Apple Cider Vinegar". Apples are on my allergen list. When I realized I could not have it, things looked bleak, like I may never have wonderful tasting food again. And I broke down, for a second time.
When you add these up to daily people in the office saying "ew, who had fish back here" (in the break room), or when one of the office complainers has his own health issues comes through loudly yelling throughout the whole office "what IS that smell, it's AWFUL" in a manner that would have you believe he had just been sprayed in his face by a skunk... today just came crashing down on me.
The only thing I had to look forward to - is that I had gone to Whole Foods earlier in the week and bought some fresh salmon instead of frozen. I felt like it would be a "treat" after a week of the frozen fish varieties that were OK, but not delicious. I sure miss "delicious". So I pulled out a Wilton Armetale grilling pan and thought I would first heat it up in the oven with some EVOO, so it would get hot, so when I would add my fish and veggies to the pan they would sear up a bit first.
When I pulled it out of the oven and added my fish and veggies to that nice crackling sound I cracked a smile - I thought, this might actually turn out tasty. I wasn't sure because my veggies were onions, garlic, green peppers and frozen green beans. The fish had some smoked paprika as a seasoning and everything got a little touch of sea salt. So I put it all back in the oven feeling a small piece of hope.
When I pulled it all back out of the oven, and I plated it, I thought it smelled like heaven and looked like perfection.
IT - WAS - SPECTACULAR!!!! The extra money on the fish was worth it to have this moment of glorious flavor!! The onions and veggies were simply incredible too - the sear from the grilling pan in the oven was the perfect touch to give them some natural flavor. I love the veggies so much (and I ran out because I ate a good bit of them), I made an entire second pan to eat this week!!
The fish and veggies searing in the hot pan
The final product - SO YUMMY!
Veggies in the pan
My next post will offer a little more information from a medical standpoint, but today, I just felt like I needed to share the emotional journey. It's still hard, and it will still be hard going forward. But an encouraging hug from my husband to seek out true health for myself has gone a long way.
And guys, I'll be honest - I just don't have the capacity to work full time, keep my part time gigs going, run my son's home health agency, keep up with his medical needs and supplies and nurses, along with trying to raise a toddler who doesn't sleep... I could not add on trying to cook for my husband and toddler too. So I have been getting them pre-packaged meals from Fresh Kitchen to share and adding in a few things for them here and there to rid my house of the things I cannot have. It's been a sanity saver. Yes it costs money - but honestly cheaper than them eating out every night while I make this transition, and way healthier too.
I know I can do this. I know you can do this too. We are not alone. Let's keep our eye on the prize: HEALTH!!
Hang in there,
Kodi
Once when I was helping with a food event (remember I told you this is a large part of my job?) and we had catered in one of my favorite Bbq places - their macaroni and cheese is from heaven, the brisket is slow smoked for hours, the green beans just a perfect pig fat blend of seasoning heaven and a hawaiian roll and for dessert my absolute favorite I can maybe never have again - Nothing Bundt Cakes. A co-worker (who is vegetarian) kept asking why I couldn't eat a single thing they had there. She kept harping on the salad and I told her I can't have lettuce. She couldn't believe that I can't even have plain lettuce. Then her and another started laughing saying how ridiculous that all is. I couldn't agree more - it's ridiculous. Ridiculously hard but this has to be my life if I plan to be around for my husband and children. And today it was just more than I could bear. I was cleaning up and then ran out of the room, because the laughter at my situation they can't begin to fathom just cut deep like a knife.
I couldn't even eat after that and I went into the day already starving and feeling deprived. I was so upset that someone with their own dietary restrictions couldn't even be empathetic. I'm only sharing all this with you because I was not prepared emotionally for how hard this would be. And little things can trigger your emotions that can come from unexpected places. I'm trying to be real so that if you are reading this you too, won't feel alone or like a failure because you are upset about "food".
After all that I came home to prepare my nightly fish portion, and was actually excited because I knew coconut was one of my allowed additives and I had some coconut aminos at home. (Coconut aminos are a good replacement for soy sauce, and when I read I was allergic to soy, I ditched it for this organic replacement.) I was dreaming of tasting something yummy FINALLY tonight as I was going to make a version of teriyaki salmon with my coconut aminos. As soon as I got home, I double checked the label for any additives, and there it was. "Apple Cider Vinegar". Apples are on my allergen list. When I realized I could not have it, things looked bleak, like I may never have wonderful tasting food again. And I broke down, for a second time.
When you add these up to daily people in the office saying "ew, who had fish back here" (in the break room), or when one of the office complainers has his own health issues comes through loudly yelling throughout the whole office "what IS that smell, it's AWFUL" in a manner that would have you believe he had just been sprayed in his face by a skunk... today just came crashing down on me.
The only thing I had to look forward to - is that I had gone to Whole Foods earlier in the week and bought some fresh salmon instead of frozen. I felt like it would be a "treat" after a week of the frozen fish varieties that were OK, but not delicious. I sure miss "delicious". So I pulled out a Wilton Armetale grilling pan and thought I would first heat it up in the oven with some EVOO, so it would get hot, so when I would add my fish and veggies to the pan they would sear up a bit first.
When I pulled it out of the oven and added my fish and veggies to that nice crackling sound I cracked a smile - I thought, this might actually turn out tasty. I wasn't sure because my veggies were onions, garlic, green peppers and frozen green beans. The fish had some smoked paprika as a seasoning and everything got a little touch of sea salt. So I put it all back in the oven feeling a small piece of hope.
When I pulled it all back out of the oven, and I plated it, I thought it smelled like heaven and looked like perfection.
IT - WAS - SPECTACULAR!!!! The extra money on the fish was worth it to have this moment of glorious flavor!! The onions and veggies were simply incredible too - the sear from the grilling pan in the oven was the perfect touch to give them some natural flavor. I love the veggies so much (and I ran out because I ate a good bit of them), I made an entire second pan to eat this week!!
The fish and veggies searing in the hot pan
The final product - SO YUMMY!
Veggies in the pan
My next post will offer a little more information from a medical standpoint, but today, I just felt like I needed to share the emotional journey. It's still hard, and it will still be hard going forward. But an encouraging hug from my husband to seek out true health for myself has gone a long way.
And guys, I'll be honest - I just don't have the capacity to work full time, keep my part time gigs going, run my son's home health agency, keep up with his medical needs and supplies and nurses, along with trying to raise a toddler who doesn't sleep... I could not add on trying to cook for my husband and toddler too. So I have been getting them pre-packaged meals from Fresh Kitchen to share and adding in a few things for them here and there to rid my house of the things I cannot have. It's been a sanity saver. Yes it costs money - but honestly cheaper than them eating out every night while I make this transition, and way healthier too.
I know I can do this. I know you can do this too. We are not alone. Let's keep our eye on the prize: HEALTH!!
Hang in there,
Kodi
Kodi - I love this!! Thanks for always being so open and honest and sharing. It is not easy - every every. I'm currently doing the AIP (similar but different). I promise after two weeks it feels easier!!
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